Divorce, Magical Thinking, and the Child's Grief Process Explained

Name: “Divorce is like death for a child” - Erica Komisar
Uploaded: 2026-04-01T15:18:33.535223+00:00
Duration: 11 min 28 s
Channel: Chris Williamson
Description: Summary and key takeaways on “Divorce is like death for a child” - Erica Komisar — Summary, covering The Psychological Experience of Divorce Divorce feels like

Chris Williamson

Apr 01, 2026

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11 min video

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2 min read

YouTube video ID: dB88xrWya78

Source: YouTube video by Chris Williamson — Watch original video

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Divorce feels like the loss of a family member for many children. The nuclear family creates an “illusion of permanence” that acts as a psychological safe nest, giving kids a sense of stability and optimism. When that nest shatters, children are forced to see their parents as imperfect humans before they are developmentally ready. This early exposure can erode trust in the durability of romantic connections, making future relationships feel uncertain.

Magical Thinking and Self‑Blame

Magical thinking is a normal developmental stage in which children believe they are the center of the universe and that their thoughts or emotions directly shape external events. If a child feels angry toward a parent at the time of a divorce, the child may irrationally assume responsibility for the split. The belief that “if parents can leave each other, then can’t they leave me too?” fuels self‑blame and mirrors adult patterns of working harder to earn love.

Navigating the Transition

Parents must place the child’s emotional needs above their own desire for fairness in the separation. Avoiding the “leaking” phenomenon—where parents unload pain, loneliness, or sexual history onto their children—is essential. Providing a neutral space, such as therapy, gives children a safe venue to process feelings they might not share with parents.

The Grief Process

Divorce follows the Kübler‑Ross stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Both adults and children risk becoming stuck in a particular stage, such as prolonged anger or despair, for years. Moving through the stages toward acceptance allows families to mourn the loss while still honoring the ritual of transition without the wreckage.

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Takeaways

Children often experience divorce as a death in the family, losing the illusion of a permanent, safe nest.
Magical thinking leads kids to blame themselves for parental separation, echoing adult patterns of over‑working for love.
Parents should avoid leaking their own trauma onto children and instead provide neutral therapeutic support.
Divorce follows the Kübler‑Ross grief stages, and getting stuck in one stage can delay acceptance for years.
Therapy for both parents and children helps navigate the transition and restores trust in future relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do children compare divorce to the death of a family member?

Divorce shatters the illusion of a permanent, two‑parent safe nest, which children rely on for emotional security. The loss feels comparable to death because it removes a core source of stability, prompting grief reactions similar to those experienced after a family member passes away.

What is the "leaking" phenomenon in the context of divorce?

The leaking phenomenon occurs when parents, lacking external support, unload their pain, loneliness, or adult‑level trauma onto their children. This burdens the child with emotions they are not developmentally equipped to process, undermining the child’s own healing and increasing the risk of misplaced self‑blame.

Who is Chris Williamson on YouTube?

Chris Williamson is a YouTube channel that publishes videos on a range of topics. Browse more summaries from this channel below.

Does this page include the full transcript of the video?

Yes, the full transcript for this video is available on this page. Click 'Show transcript' in the sidebar to read it.

Helpful resources related to this video

If you want to practice or explore the concepts discussed in the video, these commonly used tools may help.

Books On Helping Children Through Divorce Recommended

Provides age-appropriate guidance and psychological frameworks for parents to support children during the transition of divorce.

Amazon →

Journal For Processing Grief And Emotions

Offers a private, neutral space for individuals to externalize feelings and navigate the stages of grief without 'leaking' onto others.

Amazon →

Books On The Stages Of Grief

Explains the Kübler-Ross model mentioned in the podcast, helping readers understand the mourning process and how to avoid getting stuck.

Amazon →

Children's Books About Changing Family Dynamics

Helps children process the loss of the 'safe nest' and understand that parental separation is not their fault.

Amazon →

Links may be affiliate links. We only include resources that are genuinely relevant to the topic.

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Full Transcript YouTube

You talk about divorce as something that
children experience almost like a death
in the family. What's being lost
psychologically?
>> So
when we when we have again another
politically incorrect thing or maybe
politically correct thing to say it's
better to have two parents.
>> It's better to have a mother and father
because they serve different functions.
But as as they say in the UK, better to
have an heir and a spare, right? So the
idea that you have two parents means
that if you lose one you have another.
But the concept is when you have a
nuclear family, when you have two
parents, you're under the illusion that
it's a safe nest, that it is a safe,
stable environment in which to grow up.
And that stability provides you with the
emotional security you need to develop
in a healthy way. when that sense, that
illusion, you know, there is an illusion
because there's no permanence in life,
right? I mean, your parents could die,
they could get sick, they could, you
know, get hit by a bus, you know? I
mean, there's no permanence, but we're
born with a sort of a need for that
illusion of permanence. Um, and in fact,
people with very healthy defenses, me
included, with everything that's going
on in the world as you know, um, which
could be crazym, I my defenses help me
not to obsess over it or focus on it
because I can stay optimistic. My
resilience allows me to cope with the
adversity of the world. It's it's like
having shock absorbers, right? Anna,
it's and and so it's that sense of
stability and permanence. When you
divorce that permanence is the children
are disillusioned in a way before
they're ready. I always say every every
child is born with the need for a sense
of omnipotence in their parents. They
need to believe their parents are
perfect. They can do anything. They'll
protect them. They're
>> um
>> Yeah. And so I always tell this story,
my husband when he was a little boy um
his father always drove. It was more
traditional. His mother never drove and
the father was in the car and he would
sit in the back and he said, "I always
felt like my father knew every road on
every map in the whole world." That's
what childhood is. Is a sense of feeling
protected and as if your parents are
bigger and bigger than life characters.
When they divorce, you see the
imperfections of your parents and you
start to see them as human before you're
ready, but also the impermanence of
relationships and the lack of trust,
right? So then you no longer necessarily
trust in the permanence of those
connections, of those romantic
connections. So you know, many kids from
divorce uh have trouble trusting in the
permanence of of marriage and
connections later on. um not all. So the
reason I wrote this book is how do you
how do you help them? The way you talk
to them, the way you treat each other,
the way you care about each other as a
divorced couple, the way you work
together and collaborate and cooperate
and communicate. That's going to
determine, you know, that you can put
them first and sacrifice your desires
and needs for fairness and put them
first. All of that is going to dictate
whether that child in the future can see
relationships as trustworthy.
Isn't it crazy the idea of fairness that
that needs to be put to one side that
there is something unfair to the parents
that is adaptive for the kid that's good
for them that's good for their their
upbringing? I think a lot of children
blame themselves for their parents'
divorces.
>> Yeah.
>> Why do you think that's such a common
pattern?
>> It's it's magical thinking. So, children
who are very young, um, there's a great
commercial on television.
A little boy is in a Darth Vader outfit
and he's got a a a wand or whatever it's
called, a lightsaber. And he has
>> wand.
>> Yeah.
The lightsaber.
>> Darth Vader going expel.
>> A lightsaber. And he flashes it towards
his car, the car, the family car. And
the father is behind with the the remote
control and the father presses it. And
the little boy goes, "Oh my god, I
turned it off in my lightsaber." That's
magical thinking. Magical thinking is
something children have when they're
very little and they outgrow, which is
the belief that they are the center of
the universe. It's a good thing. Um,
we're born if our parents focus on us as
as if we are the center of the universe.
Then we believe that we are the center
of the universe and that gives us a
sense of steadiness and stability and
security from which to develop. We
outgrow magical thinking where we feel
we're in control of everything. But it
helps us to feel secure when we're
little. So if something bad happens to
our parents when we're angry at them,
like if your father or mother get into a
car accident and die, let's say, when
you are really angry at them because
they didn't give you that toy or you
know, and you have terrible fantasies
and thoughts as a child that you wish
they would die or you know, which aren't
so terrible, they're just fantasies
>> and that parent actually does die. That
child then feels responsible for that
death. That's magical thinking. So
basically they believe they control uh
what's around them. So it's very common
for children to believe that they are
responsible for the breakup of their
parents. And so that's one of the things
in the book that I talk about. How do
you talk to children so you uh disavow
them of those illusions that they are
not responsible that um you know that
you will always love them because again
that that destruction of that sense of
permanence in a relationship and that
breaking of trust. Children can easily
understand parents breakup as something
parents could do. If if parents can
leave one another, then can't they leave
them as well?
>> And so there's a lot of things that
parents need to consider when they talk
to their children. And there is a way to
talk to children about a divorce.
>> Is there a sense as well like how a lot
of attachment wounds from early
childhood get replayed in adult
relationships that if I can redeem
myself in this situation, I will fix the
wound that existed before. That sort of
classic loop. Is there something similar
to that going on with the magical
thinking from the kids that if I caused
it, I can fix it? This line that I wrote
in an essay a couple of weeks ago, which
was if as a child you're taught that you
need to work hard to be loved. If you
don't feel loved, you just need to work
harder.
>> Yeah.
>> And it kind of feels a little bit
similar to that.
>> Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, again, I think
it's very important. I'll say this, that
if you if if you're going through a
divorce that you get support, you know,
and and I'm going I'm not going to be
one of those therapists who says like
everybody needs therapy. Not everybody
needs therapy, but a lot of people do,
particularly if they're going through
life transitions or traumas or, you
know, and so if you think about divorce
is a trauma for everyone, for parents,
for children.
>> And so parents need support. One of the
main reasons they need support is so
they don't leak all over their children.
Because it's very common for parents to
overshare their pain with their children
to leak all over their children
>> treating their kid the kid of the
separation as the therapist for the
separation.
>> Yes. And also just as a container dump
dumping into them about you know either
oversharing about their loneliness or
their pain or their or their sex lives
or so so basically parents need therapy
so they can so they can raise children
without burdening those children.
Children need therapy because they can't
always go to their parents and tell them
what they're feeling and thinking
because they might feel uncomfortable.
Um, and so they need a safe space that
isn't either parent to bring their
feelings. Um, that doesn't mean that
parents aren't also safe spaces, but
children need to have therapy to make
sure that you're addressing these
conflicts and these traumas early on.
So, as you say, they don't carry them
into adolescence and young adulthood and
adulthood.
>> What are the typical stages that
children go through emotionally during a
divorce?
>> It's it's the same stage as any mourning
process. Think of it as grief. They go
through the same Kubler Ross. I always
say grief is grief. Mourning is
mourning. Uh it's a death. And so when
when someone dies, you go through the
disbelief and you go through the sadness
and you go through the anger and you go
through the acceptance. Um and the
problem is if your child gets stuck or
if you as a parent, as an adult, while
you're going through a divorce get
stuck. I've had patients who've gotten
stuck for de a decade in grief. meaning
they get stuck in anger or they get
stuck in sadness and despair where they
can't you're meant to move through
grief. Um, so I'm Jewish, so we say, you
know, morning is a year, you know, uh,
from this from the moment someone dies,
we don't unveil the stone. We don't take
a cloth off the stone. We don't put the
stone up actually for a year. So it's
it's a year, but we have a year to go
through the process, right? But then
we're meant to unveil the stone and move
on with life. Um, what's happening is
that people are holding on. They're
getting stuck like almost like a scratch
in an old LP record. They're getting
stuck at certain stages of the grief and
mourning process
>> and they'll either get stuck in the
depression or the disbelief or the
anger, but they some many don't get to
the acceptance stage. And children also
aren't getting to the acceptance stage.
They're getting sort of stuck in one
stage of grief or another.
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