Lisa Damour on Inside Out 2: Parenting Teens and Mental Health

Lisa Damour, a Yale and University of Michigan-educated clinical psychologist and a three-time New York Times bestselling author, is known as "the teen whisperer" for her expertise in parenting adolescents. Her books, "Untangled," "Under Pressure," and "The Emotional Lives of Teenagers," are considered essential reads for parents. She also hosts the "Ask Lisa" podcast, which recently joined the Voicing Change Media network.

Collaboration with Pixar on "Inside Out 2"

Damour shared her experience consulting for Pixar's "Inside Out 2." In May 2020, she was contacted by director Kelsey Mann and a writer, who were holding copies of her books "Untangled" and "Under Pressure." These books, focusing on adolescent girls, stress, and anxiety, aligned perfectly with the film's themes. This initiated a four-year collaboration where Damour provided feedback on drafts and worked alongside fellow consultant Dacher Keltner.

She was particularly impressed by Pixar's dedication to scientific precision, making changes even on minor points to ensure accuracy. She also presented to the entire crew on adolescent mental health and development. The film, which became the highest-grossing animated film of all time and the eighth highest-grossing film overall, effectively conveys important messages about the intensity of teenage emotions and the value of uncomfortable feelings.

A personal parallel for Damour was that her younger daughter was the same age as the protagonist, Riley, when the film was released. She even brought her daughter to Pixar for some of the work.

Key Takeaways from "Inside Out 2"

Damour highlighted a particularly insightful moment in the film:

• Family Island: In the sequel, Riley's "Family Island" has receded and appears sad and gray, while "Friendship Island" is a vibrant amusement park. This visual metaphor perfectly illustrates the natural shift in adolescence where peer relationships become paramount, and family takes a backseat. Damour noted this as a healing message for parents, normalizing this developmental stage.
• Emotional Intensity: The film also normalizes the powerful emotional shifts that occur during puberty, presenting them on the big screen as a gift to families.

Damour emphasized that the film's appeal to adults is crucial, as it encourages intergenerational conversations about emotions and adolescent development, much like the impact of "Sesame Street."

Navigating the Challenges of Modern Parenting

Damour discussed the current turbulent times, including political anxieties, social media pressures, and environmental disasters like fires, and their impact on young people. She acknowledged that while every generation faces its own challenges, the current environment can make children feel unsafe and question adult competence.

Her core message for parents in these conditions is to be a steady presence. She stressed that adults, having lived longer, can offer perspective that children lack. However, she recognized that adults themselves often feel overwhelmed.

Emotional Health vs. Fragility

Damour clarified that being emotional is not synonymous with being fragile. She argued that society has become too uncomfortable with emotional discomfort, equating mental health with feeling good. Instead, she emphasized that it's normal and even healthy to feel upset in upsetting conditions. Parents can help children understand that distress is a natural response, without immediately labeling it as a mental health crisis.

Sharing Personal Mental Health Struggles with Teens

The conversation then shifted to a listener's question about how much to share personal mental health struggles with teenagers. The parent, a mother of three, had a family history of mental health issues, including alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder, and wondered how to discuss her past with her children.

The Tension of Transparency

Damour acknowledged the tension parents face: the desire to be transparent and build trust versus the fear of oversharing and making children feel unsafe or that their parents are not in control.

Principles for Sharing

Damour outlined several principles for parents considering sharing their mental health history:

1. Metabolized Experience: Ideally, the parent should feel that their past struggle is "metabolized"—meaning they have processed it, understand what occurred, and can offer insight without feeling overwhelmed by it. If a parent is currently struggling, honesty about seeking help and prioritizing the child's needs is crucial.
2. Look for Openings: Teenagers often provide natural openings for these conversations by discussing peers or current events. Seizing these organic moments is more effective than initiating a formal, pre-planned "talk."
3. Give Control to the Teen: When sharing sensitive information, offer the teenager control over how much they hear. For example, "I have more experience with this than I wish I did. Do you want to hear a little bit more?"
4. Acknowledge Teenagers' Need for "Boring" Parents: Teenagers generally prefer their parents to be stable and predictable. When parents reveal complex personal histories, it can be jarring.
5. Genetic Vulnerability: If there's a genetic component to a mental health issue (e.g., eating disorders, alcoholism), it's important to inform children about their potential vulnerability.
   • Eating Disorders: A high tolerance for hunger can be a biological vulnerability.
   • Alcoholism: Genetic factors can influence how pleasurable alcohol is, how much it takes to feel an effect, and how quickly one recovers from its after-effects.
6. Address Shame and Concerns: Parents often hesitate due to shame, fear of being judged, or concern that their child will interpret their past struggles as permission to engage in similar behaviors. Damour suggested having "meta-conversations" where parents explicitly state these concerns: "I want to talk about my past, but I feel some shame about it," or "This is not me giving you permission to do it."
7. Focus on the Child's Needs: The primary motivation for sharing should be to help the child, not to resolve the parent's own emotional turmoil. The conversation should be about what the child needs and how the parent's experience can help meet those needs.

Healthy Coping Skills

Damour emphasized that many problematic behaviors in teens (e.g., substance abuse, eating disorders) are forms of unhealthy coping. Parents can use everyday moments to highlight and praise healthy coping mechanisms.

• Teenage Coping: Healthy coping in teens can look different from adults. It might include:
  • Re-reading childhood books.
  • Playing video games (within limits).
  • Listening to music.
  • Engaging in physical activity.
  • Eating comfort foods (within limits).
  • Even seemingly trivial activities like elaborate skincare routines.

Parents should broaden their perspective on what constitutes healthy coping, rather than expecting only adult-like practices like meditation.

"The Talk" vs. Ongoing Conversations

Damour stressed that there's no single "talk" that solves everything. Parenting involves continuous, brief conversations that evolve as children grow. Car rides, plane trips, or walks are ideal settings for these discussions, as they reduce direct eye contact and pressure.

Avoiding "Sneak Attacks"

When a significant conversation is necessary, Damour advised against "sneak attacks." Instead, parents should:

• Give Warning: Inform the teen that a conversation is needed.
• Schedule It: Ask the teen when would be a good time to talk, giving them some control over the timing.
• Clarify Intent: Make it clear that the conversation is not a reaction to something the teen did, but rather something the parent has been meaning to discuss.

By following these guidelines, parents can navigate difficult conversations with their teenagers more effectively, fostering trust and providing valuable guidance.