Feeling Loved: Sonja Lyubomirsky's Tips for Connection

For 36 years, Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky has been at the forefront of happiness research, pioneering happiness interventions since 1998. Her work, which began when Bill Clinton was in the White House, has focused on testing practices like expressing gratitude, performing acts of kindness, and being social to determine their impact on happiness. These interventions are akin to clinical trials, but instead of testing vaccines, they test happiness strategies.

The Core of Happiness: Connection and Love

Dr. Lyubomirsky's most significant realization is that the most effective happiness interventions share a common thread: they make individuals feel more connected to and loved by others. For instance, writing a gratitude letter to a parent fosters a sense of being loved, and performing an act of kindness for a friend strengthens that bond. While some practices like running or meditating might not directly involve connection, the vast majority of happiness practices revolve around feeling connected and loved.

This emphasis on connection is deeply rooted in human evolution. The human species would likely not have survived without strong feelings of connection and love. These feelings serve as a powerful signal, essential for finding mates and passing on genes. Therefore, maintaining connection is one of the most crucial tasks for human beings.

Unhappiness and the Drive for Connection

While connection is vital for survival and happiness, unhappiness doesn't always directly lead people back to connection. Instead, it's the feeling of being unloved or lonely that acts as a signal, indicating that something is amiss and prompting a need to reconnect. Loneliness and feeling unloved are almost identical experiences, both serving as an internal alarm to seek connection.

The Myth of Being "Lovable"

Many people spend their lives trying to be "lovable," believing that if they are richer, more famous, or more beautiful, they will be loved more. However, this is a myth. The problem isn't a "supply of love" issue; many people are loved but still don't feel loved. This can be likened to a "cup of love" that either has a leak at the bottom, allowing love to drain out, or a lid, preventing love from getting in.

Trying to impress others with positive qualities or achievements might lead to admiration, but it doesn't forge genuine connection. Admiration is superficial, like an influencer with many followers who don't truly know them. The key to feeling loved, according to Dr. Lyubomirsky and her co-author Harry Reis, is being known. If others only see a curated version of oneself, hiding weaknesses, true love cannot be felt because there's always the lingering doubt: "If they knew the real me, would they still love me?"

Defining "Feeling Loved"

Feeling loved means believing that one makes a difference in another person's life and truly matters to them. It encompasses affection, care, and intertwined goals, extending beyond romantic relationships to include family, friends, colleagues, and neighbors.

Statistics reveal a significant challenge: 40% of people feel they aren't as loved as they desire by their partners, and nearly two-thirds of young men feel truly unknown by anyone. These numbers are likely understatements, as many feel embarrassed to admit such feelings. A survey for Dr. Lyubomirsky's book found that 70% of people don't feel as loved as they want to be in at least one significant relationship. This often isn't due to a lack of love or connection, but rather an inability to internalize it.

Barriers to Accepting Love

Several factors prevent people from accepting love:

• Attachment Styles: Anxiously attached individuals may constantly look for signs of rejection, while avoidantly attached individuals might not even notice expressions of love.
• Love Languages: While the concept of "love languages" is popular, research suggests there aren't just five, and matching love languages doesn't predict relationship strength. Everyone values "words of affirmation" and "quality time." The more ways a partner expresses love, the better. The issue arises when one person's expression of love isn't recognized or received by the other.
• Low Self-Esteem: If one doesn't love themselves, it's difficult to perceive others' expressions of love as genuine. While self-love can develop within relationships, a lack of self-esteem can make one less "lovable" and less likely to receive love, as it can "leak out" and affect how others perceive them.

Building Self-Esteem and Self-Love

There are no universally proven interventions to directly boost self-esteem in a laboratory setting. However, based on experience and expertise, pursuing personal goals and passions, achieving successes, and practicing social skills can contribute to self-esteem.

Self-esteem can be viewed as a "sociometer," a measure of how one's social and emotional ecosystem provides positive feedback. Humans are social animals, and positive reinforcement from others—being told "this is good," "you are contributing," "we care about you"—helps build self-esteem over time.

Interventions to build self-esteem could involve:

1. Connection: Engaging with others.
2. Contribution: Helping others and contributing to the community, which generates positive feedback.
3. Personal Growth: Working on oneself, learning new skills, traveling, and having experiences that can be shared.

The Importance of Friendships

While romantic relationships are often seen as paramount in Western society, friendships are crucial for a fulfilling life. Men tend to derive more happiness from romantic relationships than women, often putting "all their eggs in one basket," which can lead to greater suffering during divorce. Women, conversely, often have broader social support networks through close friendships.

Robin Dunbar's theory of concentric circles of friendship suggests that individuals have room for about five very close friends, with a partner occupying two of those slots. However, a common answer to "how many close friends can you call on in an emergency?" is "zero." This highlights a potential gap, especially for single individuals who might benefit from cultivating more close friendships to compensate for the absence of a romantic partner. While friendships cannot replicate all aspects of intimate partnership, they can fulfill many needs.

Beyond "I Love You": The Power of "You Make Me Feel Loved"

On Valentine's Day, cards predominantly say "I love you." However, Dr. Lyubomirsky suggests that "I feel loved by you" or "You make me feel loved" might be equally, if not more, important. Being loved is one thing, but feeling loved is what truly matters. If love isn't internalized, it's as if it doesn't exist.

The Skill of Accepting Love

Accepting love is a skill that can be developed with practice. Just as some people dismiss genuine compliments, individuals can reject love at a deeper level. Over time, and with self-development, people can become better at receiving generosity and love.

The Sharing Mindset: Being Known

The key to feeling loved is to be known. To be known, one must share more of themselves. This doesn't mean "trauma dumping" or oversharing, but rather sharing at an appropriate pace and with emotional intelligence, "reading the room." It involves revealing not just the "highlight reel" but also genuine aspects of one's inner self, including opinions and vulnerabilities.

Sharing can be a gradual process, starting with small revelations and observing the other person's reaction. If met with curiosity and interest, one can share more. However, negative experiences with vulnerability, such as being judged or having information used against them, can lead individuals to shut down.

The Role of Curiosity and Listening

Feeling loved often begins with curiosity. When someone genuinely shows interest and asks deep questions, it creates a safe space for sharing. Genuine curiosity is rare, as people often focus on their own thoughts or rehearse their next response rather than truly listening.

Effective listening involves:

• Presence: Being fully engaged, not letting the mind wander.
• Validation: Acknowledging and understanding the other person's feelings, rather than immediately offering advice or trying to "fix" the problem. While advice can be necessary, validation should come first.
• Question-Asking: Asking deep questions, even if it feels intrusive, because people generally crave to be seen and known.

The Vulnerability Paradox and Multiplicity

The vulnerability paradox suggests that while people fear being vulnerable will make others like them less, it often has the opposite effect. Sharing imperfections or moments of struggle can make one seem more human and relatable. This is akin to the "pratfall effect," where minor blunders can increase likability. Perfection is often seen as inhuman and uninteresting.

The concept of multiplicity encourages viewing oneself and others as complex individuals, a "quilt" of both positive and negative qualities. When someone reveals something negative or uncomfortable, applying a multiplicity lens means seeing them as a human in all their complexity, rather than immediately labeling them as "a jerk." This fosters compassion and understanding, even if it doesn't condone negative behavior.

What Makes People Feel Unloved?

People often feel unloved when they feel invisible, when others stop noticing them or asking questions. In long-term relationships, partners may assume they know everything about each other, ceasing to be curious. However, individuals are constantly evolving with new fears, dreams, and doubts.

Feeling loved is often tied to "little things"—when someone notices a need before it's even expressed, like offering a blanket when one is cold. When a partner or friend stops noticing these small details, it can lead to a feeling of being unloved.

Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction

How individuals respond to good news is a stronger predictor of relationship duration than how they respond to bad news. When a partner shares good news, the ideal response is enthusiastic celebration, showing genuine excitement and curiosity. While insecurities or practical concerns might arise later, the initial reaction should be one of joy and support. This "capitalizing" on good news strengthens relationships.

Addressing Unreciprocated Effort

If one person is consistently putting in effort—sharing, listening, being curious, and accepting—but the other person doesn't reciprocate, it can lead to significant discontent. While therapists might advise continued effort, Dr. Lyubomirsky suggests that sometimes, it might be necessary to accept that the relationship won't provide the desired level of love, or even to walk away. The tension often arises from trying to force an incompatible dynamic.

This situation highlights the "advice hyper-responder" phenomenon: advice often lands unevenly. Those who are already prone to over-efforting in relationships might take advice to "work harder" to an extreme, while those who need to put in more effort might ignore it. The key lies in finding the "optimal dosage" for effort and compromise, recognizing that both extremes—giving up too easily and staying in unhappy relationships—are problematic.

Practical Habits for Feeling More Loved

The most powerful habits for improving one's ability to feel loved are curiosity and listening, followed by sharing. These habits can reduce prejudice, improve productivity in professional settings, and foster deeper connections.

A concrete step to feel more loved is to have a 15-minute conversation with someone, focusing on sharing, listening, and showing curiosity with warmth and acceptance. Relationships are essentially a series of conversations, and by changing how one approaches these interactions, one can significantly impact their experience of feeling loved.

The Power of Acting Extroverted

A study asked both introverts and extroverts to act more "extroverted" (sociable, energetic, talkative) for a week, and then more "introverted" (deliberate, quiet) for another week. The results were surprising: during the "extroverted" week, participants reported significantly higher happiness levels, and this effect was consistent for both introverts and extroverts. The "introverted" week, conversely, sometimes led to decreased happiness or no change.

While the popular definition of introversion/extroversion centers on where one gets their energy, evidence suggests that introverts acting more social do not necessarily feel depleted. Introverts can choose how to be extroverted, such as calling a friend or contributing more to a conversation, rather than forcing themselves into uncomfortable social situations.

Hacking Hedonic Adaptation

Hedonic adaptation, the tendency to return to a baseline level of happiness after positive or negative events, can be "hacked" through:

• Variety and Novelty: Introducing new experiences and changes to prevent things from becoming mundane.
• Surprise: Embracing unexpected positive events.
• Gratitude: Actively expressing gratitude for what one has, which counteracts the tendency to take things for granted.

Views, especially of water and mountains, are an exception to hedonic adaptation, possibly due to their constant variety and evolutionary significance.

Advice for a 20-Year-Old

To maximize happiness at 50, a 20-year-old should prioritize relationships. This involves:

• Putting effort into maintaining relationships.
• Learning and practicing social skills, such as having conversations.
• Spending time with people in person, making social interactions a habit.
• Learning to listen, be curious, and share.

These habits, particularly curiosity and listening, are fundamental to building and maintaining meaningful connections that contribute to long-term happiness.