Overcome Social Disapproval Fear and Build Real Confidence

Most people are excessively concerned with the opinions of others, valuing social approval too highly and harboring an irrational fear of disapproval, criticism, and rejection. This often leads individuals to conform to the expectations of others rather than pursuing their own talents, strengths, and desires, sometimes even abandoning their dreams due to fear of judgment. This article explores strategies to reduce an excessive need for social approval and overcome the fear of social disapproval.

Reflecting on the Source of Approval

A crucial first step in developing a healthier perspective on others' opinions is to critically assess the character of those whose approval is sought. It's important to ask:

• Are these individuals deserving of respect and admiration?
• Are they thriving or stagnant?
• Do they possess courageous, independent, and inquisitive minds capable of seeking truth and forming their own opinions?
• Or are they conformists who uncritically accept and repeat information from mainstream media, celebrities, social media personalities, and politicians?

If an individual does not impress us, their opinion of our way of life should hold little weight. As Seneca questioned, "Why do you take pleasure in praise from those you cannot praise yourself?" Arthur Schopenhauer echoed this sentiment, suggesting that what goes on in other people's consciousness is ultimately indifferent to us, especially once we recognize the superficiality, narrowness, meanness, and perversity of most people's thoughts and opinions.

Overcoming Social Anxiety in Crowds

While it's one thing to be indifferent to the approval of a single individual, the need for approval can be particularly strong in the presence of a group or crowd. This can manifest as social anxiety, hindering performance in speeches, making social gatherings awkward, and even preventing individuals from following their conscience.

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus advised that to manage this social anxiety, one should reflect on the nature of a crowd. He noted that socially anxious individuals often "don't know what a crowd is, or the applause of a crowd...what the praise of the mass of people is, and what value it holds in life."

Most people perceive a crowd as a singular entity, leading to intimidation. However, a crowd is merely a collection of individuals. By training ourselves to see and relate to single individuals within a crowd, rather than the crowd as a whole, it becomes easier to diminish the anxious need for approval. Just as we should be indifferent to the approval of a single individual we don't respect, the same applies to a collection of such individuals. As Cicero stated, "What could be more absurd than to suppose the same ignorant and common people you despise, when taken one by one, are of any greater consequence when taken together?"

Even when a group consists of impressive individuals, their opinions of us are not within our control and should not be our primary concern. Our focus should be on acting with integrity and avoiding actions deserving of disdain, then gracefully accepting whatever opinions they form. Epictetus emphasized that a good person does not fret over how others will receive or listen to them, recognizing that others will act as they see fit.

Responding to Disapproval, Ridicule, and Rejection

Overcoming the fear of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection is also crucial for a fulfilling life. We need to cultivate a state of calm indifference when faced with scorn, whether online or in person.

The Power of the Pause

Epictetus advised that when targeted by contempt, the first step is to pause and take a breath before reacting. Immediate, reflexive reactions are often counterproductive. Taking a moment to compose oneself allows for a more appropriate and chosen response. Rollo May highlighted this "human freedom" as the capacity to pause between stimulus and response and choose a desired reaction. Epictetus further noted that we are insulted not by the person, but by our opinion that their actions are insulting. Delaying a reaction provides time to think and gain control.

"Listening Like a Stone"

One powerful way to respond to insults or ridicule is to "listen like a stone," meaning to not react at all. This involves letting words fall on deaf ears, continuing with one's activities, and essentially ignoring the provocateur. This approach is effective for two reasons:

1. Denying Satisfaction: Insulters often seek a reaction to feel their words have power. By not reacting, we deny them this satisfaction and demonstrate that their provocations are petty and ineffective.
2. Internal Transformation: Our actions influence our thoughts and emotions. By reacting like a stone externally, we cultivate an internal "stone-like" resilience. Seneca observed that "It is the mark of a great mind to rise above insults; the most humiliating kind of revenge is to treat your adversary as not worth taking revenge upon." Epictetus similarly asked, "Go up to a stone and subject it to abuse; what effect will you produce? Well then, if you listen like a stone, what will anyone who abuses you be able to achieve?"

Responding with Humor

Another strategy is to respond to contempt with humor. Humor can diffuse tension, show that we won't stoop to their level, and prevent the escalation of anger. A witty remark can even transform an enemy into a friend. Humor also signifies power, as it is a mark of the powerful to be amused by those who mistreat them. Seneca noted the satisfaction of contrasting one's own peace of mind with the unrest of those who are easily offended.

The philosopher Diogenes was a master of using humor to deal with disagreeable people. Examples include:

• Responding to a bald man's insult by congratulating his hair for fleeing "such an evil head."
• When told a fellow philosopher spoke ill of him, he replied, "That’s nothing to wonder at, since he’s never learned to speak well."
• When heckled by men, he called them over, then dismissed them by saying, "I called for men, not scum!"

Self-Directed Humor

Occasionally, humor should be directed at ourselves. Insults sometimes contain kernels of truth, highlighting our flaws, quirks, foibles, and blind spots. Instead of taking offense, recognizing these aspects and being able to laugh at them is beneficial. Developing humility and not taking ourselves too seriously allows us to laugh with those who are laughing at us, thereby disarming their attempts to disturb us. Montaigne aimed "to be equally laughable and able to laugh," while Seneca stated, "No one is laughable who can laugh at himself." Epictetus advised, if someone speaks ill of you, to respond, "Evidently he didn’t know about my other faults, or he wouldn’t have spoken only of the ones he did."

Cultivating Self-Confidence

Ultimately, the most effective antidote to caring too much about what people think is to cultivate self-confidence. Insecurity and feelings of inferiority lead to slavish dependence on others' approval and fear of their scorn. Conversely, focusing time and energy on strengthening mind and body, improving character, achieving goals, and building a life to be proud of will render others' opinions, whether good or bad, insignificant. As Epictetus advised, "If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own."