Modern Online Dating: Why Finding the Right Person Isn't Enough

Online dating, for many, has become a source of profound misery. The core issue, it seems, is that it misdirects our efforts, teaching us that the primary challenge in love is simply "finding the right person." While identifying a suitable candidate is a necessary step, it's often far easier than we imagine. The true, more significant challenge lies in learning how to coexist and thrive with another human being.

Modern dating culture often perpetuates the idea that conflict or problems in a relationship signify that one is with the "wrong person." This perspective discourages the essential work of learning to live with someone, instead promoting a continuous search for the "next shiny object." This constant pursuit of an idealized partner becomes a massive distraction, misplacing effort that should be directed towards building and nurturing a relationship.

The Problem of Ingratitude and Narrow Lenses

The current dating landscape fosters a sense of ingratitude. People might swipe through hundreds of profiles, discarding potential partners with ease. This rapid judgment, often based on superficial criteria, leads to a "moral hangover" or sickness. We instinctively know that such quick dismissal of so many individuals is disreputable. This constant judging creates an unkind world, where individuals are quick to find fault and move on, rather than recognizing the inherent flaws in everyone, including themselves.

Managing Expectations and Doing the Work

A significant contributor to relationship dissatisfaction is the combination of sky-high expectations and a reluctance to put in the necessary effort. Many desire a partner who fulfills every conceivable role—ideal co-parent, chauffeur, soulmate, sex partner, and more—yet are unwilling to invest the daily, consistent work required to build such a relationship.

While some argue that modern society has overly high expectations for relationships, there's nothing inherently wrong with having high aspirations, provided one is prepared to do the work. This "work" involves hours of daily practice, learning, and perseverance.

Compatibility as an Achievement, Not a Precondition

A crucial insight is that "compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn't be its precondition." Compatibility is something that can be built and developed over time, rather than a fixed entry price that must be met from the outset.

However, societal norms often work against this understanding. When conflicts arise, the immediate inclination is to break up, viewing arguments as signs of incompatibility. Instead, these moments should be seen as massive learning opportunities, prompting deeper study and effort. Society currently does not encourage individuals to work through these "rough points" in dialogues with others.

The "Red Flag" Mentality and the Enemy of Relationships

The prevailing societal narrative suggests that if a problem arises in a relationship, it's because one has encountered someone with "red flags"—a narcissist, someone borderline, or emotionally unintelligent. This leads to a quick dismissal of partners. However, this "red flag" language is problematic because everyone, including ourselves, possesses various "red flags." If we discard everyone with perceived flaws, we risk isolating ourselves.

The true enemies of relationships are self-righteousness and defensiveness. When individuals declare their feelings and boundaries without a willingness to compromise or acknowledge their own imperfections, dialogue breaks down. A saving grace in relationships is modesty—the ability to admit one's own flaws and acknowledge that both parties are likely "in a muddle." This shared understanding and willingness to meet halfway can save relationships.

The Cost of Discarding Relationships

Many relationships are prematurely abandoned. People often end long-term partnerships (e.g., eight or seven years) over squabbles, discarding shared jokes, investments, and faith, only to start anew. This cycle can be exhausting and repetitive, leading to the same issues with different partners. While not advocating for staying in all relationships at all costs, there are often serious grounds to question the ease with which some relationships are ended. A little more patience, forbearance, and understanding that human relationships inherently involve "intra-confusion" could prevent the premature dissolution of many partnerships. It's not about encountering a uniquely "corrupt" individual, but rather a typical human being with their own complexities.